How to Actually Support Someone Who Is Struggling What helps, what doesn't, and what nobody tells you

 

Most people who want to support a struggling friend or family member genuinely care. They also often say or do things that don't help not because they don't care, but because the instincts that feel most natural in the face of someone else's pain are frequently not the most useful ones.

Understanding what actually supports someone in mental health difficulty and what inadvertently makes it harder is a genuinely valuable skill.

 

The Instinct to Fix Is Usually Not Helpful

When someone we love is in pain, the instinct to fix it is powerful and understandable. We offer solutions. We reframe the situation. We point out the positives. We tell them what we would do. These impulses come from love. They also frequently miss the mark, because what most people need when they're struggling is first to feel heard not advised, not reassured prematurely, not redirected. Before anything else can land, the person needs to feel that their experience has been understood.

The simplest way to provide that is through presence and reflection rather than problem-solving. 'That sounds really hard' goes further than 'have you tried...' at the beginning of most difficult conversations.

 

What Actually Helps

Asking rather than assuming. 'What would be most helpful right now?' is one of the most useful questions you can ask someone who is struggling because different people need different things, and what restores one person depletes another. Practical support meals, childcare, logistical help during a crisis is often more useful than conversation, and less available. Consistency over time matters more than a single grand gesture. And showing up after the acute crisis has passed, when everyone else has moved on, is one of the things that struggling people remember.

Simply naming that you've noticed 'I've been thinking about you, how are you actually doing?' costs nothing and matters more than most people realize.

 

What Not to Say

A few things that commonly land badly, with the best of intentions: 'Everything happens for a reason.' 'At least...' followed by something meant to put the problem in perspective. 'You just need to think more positively.' 'I know exactly how you feel.' 'Have you tried exercising / eating better / sleeping more?' These responses dismiss or minimize the experience they're meant to address, even when that is absolutely not the intention. They communicate that the difficulty should be smaller than it is which adds a layer of shame to someone already struggling.

 

Taking Care of Yourself in the Process

Supporting someone who is struggling over a long period has a cost, and naming that is important. You cannot pour from an empty vessel. Being a consistent support to someone in crisis or chronic difficulty requires that you have your own resources your own support, your own rest, your own honest assessment of what you can sustainably offer.

You are allowed to have limits in a support role. You can care deeply about someone and also be honest that you can't be available 24 hours a day. Modeling sustainable support honest, boundaries, consistent is itself something the struggling person can learn from.

 

 

A Note on Support

If you're supporting someone who is struggling and finding it difficult to manage, speaking with a therapist yourself can help you navigate that role more sustainably.

What Self-Compassion Actually Means (and Why It's Not Self-Pity) The most misunderstood concept in mental health

 

Self-compassion has a marketing problem. To many people it sounds soft, indulgent, or like a polite way of saying 'give yourself an excuse.' The word compassion itself carries associations with passivity, with lowering standards, with letting yourself off the hook.

None of that is accurate. And the research on self-compassion is robust enough to be worth understanding clearly.

 

What Self-Compassion Actually Is

Kristin Neff's research defines self-compassion through three components. The first is self-kindness treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you would offer a good friend in the same situation rather than harsh self-criticism. The second is common humanity recognizing that difficulty, failure, and suffering are part of the shared human experience rather than evidence that something is uniquely wrong with you. The third is mindfulness holding painful experiences in balanced awareness rather than suppressing them or becoming overwhelmed by them.

Self-compassion is not saying that what you did was fine when it wasn't. It's not bypassing accountability or genuine reflection. It is the quality of attention you bring to your own struggle caring rather than contemptuous, honest rather than either defensive or self-punishing.

 

Why Self-Criticism Doesn't Work

The argument for self-criticism is usually that it keeps you honest and motivated that without it you'll become complacent or rationalize away real problems. The research doesn't support this. Harsh self-criticism activates the threat response and is associated with increased anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and rumination. It does not produce better performance, better behavior, or more genuine accountability. What it produces is shame and shame, as a motivator, tends to make people want to hide rather than change.

Self-compassion, by contrast, is associated with greater motivation to improve after failures, more resilience under difficulty, better emotional regulation, and healthier relationships. It is not a softening of standards. It is the disposition from which real change is more likely to occur.

 

The Difference Between Self-Compassion and Self-Pity

Self-pity and self-compassion are almost opposites, though they're commonly confused. Self-pity involves a kind of absorbed, isolating immersion in one's own suffering 'poor me' as a stance. It tends to disconnect rather than connect, and it often involves exaggerating the uniqueness of one's suffering.

Self-compassion acknowledges suffering honestly while maintaining perspective this is hard, and hard things are part of human experience. It tends to move outward toward connection and action rather than inward toward collapse. It is a stable and clear-eyed orientation toward your own pain, not a wallowing in it.

 

Practicing It

Self-compassion is a skill and a practice, not a permanent state that some people have and others don't. It gets stronger with intentional use. A starting point: when you notice the inner critic beginning a monologue, ask would I say this to a friend in the same situation? If the answer is no, that's information. What would you say to them? That response the one you'd offer someone you love is what you can also offer yourself.

The gap between how we treat friends in difficulty and how we treat ourselves is often striking. Narrowing that gap is the practice.

 

 

A Note on Support

If self-criticism is a significant pattern for you, working with a therapist can help you understand its roots and build a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

The Relationship Between Boredom and Mental Health What boredom is actually telling you and why it matters

 

Boredom has a bad reputation. We treat it as a problem to be solved, a discomfort to be eliminated, a signal that something has gone wrong with how we're using our time. We fill it immediately with phones, with noise, with productivity.

But boredom is more interesting than we give it credit for. And our relationship with it tells us something important about our nervous systems, our sense of purpose, and our capacity to be present with ourselves.

 

What Boredom Actually Is

Boredom is the experience of wanting mental engagement and not finding it in the current environment. It's a motivational state a signal that the brain is seeking stimulation, meaning, or challenge and isn't getting it. In that sense, boredom is useful information. It points toward unmet needs: for novelty, for creative expression, for connection, for purpose.

Boredom is not the same as rest, and collapsing the two is a mistake. Rest is the nervous system downregulating. Boredom is the nervous system seeking more input. They feel different rest has a quality of ease, boredom has a quality of agitation and they need different responses.

 

Why We Can't Tolerate It Anymore

Smartphones have fundamentally changed our relationship with boredom. The availability of instant stimulation means most people never have to sit with the discomfort of boredom for more than a few seconds before reaching for a device. This has costs. Research suggests that boredom tolerance the ability to sit with the discomfort of mental undercurrent without immediately filling it is associated with creativity, self-awareness, and psychological flexibility. When we never allow boredom to exist, we never get to what's on the other side of it.

For many people, boredom is also covering something more uncomfortable anxiety, emptiness, grief, or the low-grade dissatisfaction of a life that doesn't feel quite aligned. The phone solves the boredom and prevents contact with what was underneath it.

 

Boredom and Depression

Boredom can be a feature of depression the anhedonia that makes previously engaging activities feel flat, the loss of interest and motivation that leaves the world looking grey and unstimulating. This kind of boredom is different in quality from ordinary boredom; it has a heavier, more pervasive character and doesn't lift with novelty the way regular boredom does.

If your boredom has that quality if nothing sounds interesting, if engagement feels impossible rather than just absent it's worth considering whether it's a mood symptom rather than a situational state.

 

What Boredom Is Trying to Tell You

The next time boredom arrives, before reaching for the phone, it's worth pausing to ask: what is this feeling pointing toward? Is it pointing toward a need for creative expression that isn't being met? A longing for connection? A desire for something that feels more meaningful than the current activity? Or is it pointing toward something harder an emptiness that has been there for a while, waiting for a quiet moment?

Boredom is an invitation. You don't have to RSVP immediately. But staying with the discomfort long enough to read the invitation might tell you something worth knowing.

 

 

A Note on Support

If boredom or emptiness is a persistent experience for you, it may be worth exploring with a therapist what's underneath it.

Social Exhaustion Is Real: What Introversion and Overstimulation Actually Mean. Understanding your social energy and why it runs out

 

Summer is relentlessly social for many people gatherings, events, family obligations, the expectation of being out and engaged and present. For people who need solitude to recover, this can produce a specific kind of cumulative depletion that's hard to articulate to people who don't experience it.

This isn't about being shy, antisocial, or difficult. It's about how different nervous systems process social stimulation differently.

 

What Introversion Actually Is

The popular understanding of introversion as shyness or dislike of people misses the actual mechanism. Introversion is primarily about where energy comes from and what depletes it. Introverts are not necessarily uncomfortable in social situations many are highly socially skilled and genuinely enjoy people. But social interaction costs them energy rather than generating it, and they require solitude to recover and recharge.

Extroversion is the inverse: social interaction tends to generate energy, and solitude depletes it. Neither is a character flaw. They are differences in how the nervous system processes stimulation including the stimulation of social input.

 

Overstimulation and the Nervous System

Beyond introversion and extroversion, some people's nervous systems are more sensitive to stimulation generally not just social input but sensory input, emotional input, cognitive load. Highly sensitive people, people with ADHD, trauma survivors with sensitized nervous systems, and people with anxiety disorders may find that busy, loud, highly stimulating summer environments produce a cumulative exhaustion that goes beyond simple tiredness.

Overstimulation has physical signatures a kind of buzzing tension, irritability that seems disproportionate, difficulty concentrating, the urgent need to be somewhere quiet. These are signals from the nervous system that the input has exceeded processing capacity and a recharge period is needed.

 

The Problem With Pushing Through

Consistently overriding your need for recovery because rest feels selfish, because you don't want to disappoint people, because you've told yourself you should be able to handle it produces a compound depletion that eventually becomes hard to recover from. Social burnout is real. It looks like emotional flatness, difficulty connecting even in situations you'd normally enjoy, irritability in relationships, and a pervasive sense of being tapped out.

The most effective intervention is not trying harder to enjoy things. It's recognizing earlier when you're approaching your limit and protecting your recovery time before you're already depleted.

 

Communicating Your Needs Without Apologizing for Them

The social pressure to be more extroverted to be out, to be on, to be available can make it genuinely hard to advocate for what you need. But saying 'I need to leave early to have some quiet time' or 'I'm going to sit this one out' is not a failure. It is an honest account of what your nervous system requires. The people who matter will understand. And the ones who don't that's information too.

 

 

A Note on Support

If social exhaustion is a significant or recurring issue for you, exploring it with a therapist can help you understand your needs and communicate them more effectively.

When the Heat Affects Your Mood: The Real Link Between Temperature and Mental Health It's not just that you're hot and uncomfortable

 

There's a dismissive way we talk about heat and mood as if being irritable or low-energy in extreme heat is just a minor inconvenience, a matter of being too sensitive or not hydrated enough. But the relationship between temperature and mental health is more significant than that, and it's worth understanding.

 

What Heat Actually Does to the Brain

The brain is a metabolically demanding organ that is sensitive to temperature. When core body temperature rises, cognitive function is measurably affected processing speed, working memory, and executive function all decline. Decision-making becomes harder. Impulse control is reduced. The physiological stress of thermoregulation the work the body does to keep its temperature within a viable range activates cortisol and other stress hormones. You are not imagining it: heat makes thinking and regulating harder.

 

Heat, Sleep, and the Mood Cascade

Extreme heat disrupts sleep which we've already established is one of the most significant drivers of emotional dysregulation, reduced resilience, and worsened mental health symptoms. The cascade is straightforward: heat disrupts sleep, disrupted sleep worsens mood and regulation, worsened regulation makes everything harder to manage. In heat waves, this cascade can compound over days in ways that become genuinely clinically significant.

 

Heat and Mental Health Conditions

For people managing mental health conditions, heat adds another layer of complexity. Many psychiatric medications affect thermoregulation they can impair the body's ability to cool itself, increasing vulnerability to heat-related illness. The behavioral side effects of certain medications interact with heat in ways that require monitoring. And for people who rely on routine and predictability to manage symptoms, the disruption that extreme heat brings to daily life has its own destabilizing effect.

If you're on psychiatric medication and facing extreme heat, it's worth checking with your prescribing provider about any specific precautions.

 

Practical Responses That Actually Help

Cooling the body directly cold water on wrists and neck, cool showers, air conditioning is more effective than trying to think your way through heat-related irritability. Adjusting your expectations for yourself during heat waves is reasonable: you are not the same person at 95 degrees as you are at 70, and demanding the same performance from yourself is not realistic.

Protecting sleep during heat waves through whatever means available fans, blackout curtains, cool showers before bed is probably the highest-leverage intervention for mood management. And lowering the stimulus load where possible quieter, simpler days reduces the compounding demand on a nervous system that's already working hard.

 

 

A Note on Support

If extreme heat significantly worsens your mental health symptoms, this is worth raising with your mental health provider.

What Nobody Tells You About Rest: Why doing nothing doesn't always feel like resting

 

Most people know they need more rest. Most people also find that when they finally have downtime, it doesn't feel like rest. They sit down and immediately feel antsy, guilty, or vaguely anxious. They pick up their phone. They make a list. They find something to fix.

This is not a failure of willpower. It is a nervous system problem. And understanding it changes how you approach rest entirely.

 

Rest Is Not the Absence of Activity

The dominant understanding of rest is passive rest is what you do when you stop doing things. But the research on rest and recovery suggests that what matters is not the absence of activity but the presence of nervous system downregulation. Rest is a physiological state, not just a behavioral one. And you can be behaviorally still while remaining physiologically activated which is why lying on the couch scrolling through your phone for two hours often leaves you feeling worse rather than better.

 

The Nervous System Has to Actually Downregulate

For rest to be restorative, the parasympathetic nervous system the rest-and-digest system needs to become dominant. Heart rate drops. Breathing slows. Digestion activates. Muscle tension releases. Cortisol decreases. This is the state in which cellular repair happens, emotional processing consolidates, and the cognitive load of the day begins to decompress.

Many people rarely fully access this state during waking hours. If your baseline involves chronic stress, a persistently activated threat response, or difficulty tolerating stillness, the nervous system doesn't reliably down-shift just because you've stopped moving. Rest has to be practiced, not just permitted.

 

Seven Types of Rest

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith's framework of seven types of rest offers a useful expansion of what rest can mean. Physical rest addresses the body both passive (sleep, napping) and active (yoga, stretching). Mental rest addresses the cognitive load of constant thinking and decision-making. Sensory rest addresses overstimulation from screens, noise, and constant input. Creative rest restores through exposure to beauty and inspiration rather than output. Emotional rest involves releasing the labor of performing emotions for others. Social rest is the experience of relationships that are restorative rather than draining. And spiritual rest connects to a sense of meaning and belonging beyond the daily grind.

Most people chronically deplete one or two of these categories while maintaining the others, and then wonder why sleep alone isn't helping.

 

Giving Yourself Permission

Underneath many people's difficulty resting is a belief, often unexamined, that they haven't earned it that rest is the reward at the end of sufficient productivity, not a basic need that exists independent of output. This belief drives the guilt, the restlessness, the inability to be still without an agenda.

Rest is not a reward. It is maintenance. The nervous system requires it the way the body requires food and water not as a luxury at the end of sufficient effort, but as a basic condition of functioning. Reframing rest as a need rather than a reward doesn't make the guilt disappear overnight, but it gives you something to argue back with when the guilt shows up.

 

 

A Note on Support

If you struggle to rest even when you have the time, it may be worth exploring what's underneath that with a therapist.

What Happens to Your Mental Health When Your Routine Falls Apart: Why structure matters more than most people realize

 

Summer has a way of dissolving the routines that quietly hold life together the alarm that gets you up, the commute that transitions you into the day, the schedule that tells you when to eat and when to stop. For some people, losing that structure feels like freedom. For others, it feels like coming unmoored.

If you've noticed that your mental health tends to wobble when your routine disappears, you're not being rigid or high-maintenance. You're responding to something real.

 

Why Routine Supports Mental Health

Routine does something for the brain that is easy to underestimate until it's gone. It reduces decision fatigue by automating low-stakes choices. It creates predictability, which the nervous system experiences as a form of safety. It provides temporal anchoring a sense of where you are in the day and what comes next that orients and steadies. And for many mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD, that structure is not a nicety but a scaffolding.

 

The Particular Problem With Unstructured Time

Depression tells you that nothing matters and nothing is worth doing and unstructured time gives that voice a lot of room. Without the scaffold of a schedule, the bar to begin any activity rises dramatically. Anxiety fills unstructured time with rumination. ADHD symptoms intensify without external structure to compensate for the internal regulatory challenges. Even for people without a specific diagnosis, the absence of routine can produce a low-level malaise that's hard to name.

This is not a character flaw. It's the nervous system responding to a change in its environment. The question is what you do with that information.

 

Building a Loose Summer Structure

The goal isn't to replicate your work-week schedule in July it's to create enough structure that the day has shape without being so rigid it defeats the point of summer. A consistent wake time provides a reliable anchor even when everything else is flexible. Identifying one or two things per day that are non-negotiable a walk, a meal, a time for something creative creates just enough frame that the day doesn't dissolve entirely.

It's also worth distinguishing between the routines that support you and the routines you're simply accustomed to. Summer is a reasonable time to experiment to drop what wasn't actually helping and build in what might.

 

When the Structure Was Also the Coping

For some people, the difficulty of unstructured time reflects something worth looking at more closely. If your routine has been managing anxiety, depression, or avoidance without your full awareness if staying busy has been keeping something at bay summer's slower pace can bring that thing into view. That's uncomfortable. It's also useful information. Sometimes the dissolution of routine is an invitation to address what the routine was covering.

 

 

A Note on Support

If unstructured time consistently destabilizes your mood, that pattern is worth exploring with a therapist.

Using Summer to Reset: Mental Health Goals That Don’t Feel Overwhelming

 

Summer often feels like a fresh chapter a chance to breathe, pause, and reflect. But for many of us, “goal setting” sounds exhausting, especially when we’re already mentally drained.

The good news? Resetting your mental health doesn’t have to mean huge changes. In fact, the best summer goals are the ones that feel light, doable, and nourishing not overwhelming.

Let’s talk about how to set gentle mental health goals this season that help you feel better, not busier.

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Why Summer Is a Great Time to Reset

There’s something about this season longer days, warmer weather, breaks from routine that opens the door to reflection. You may have more flexibility or space in your schedule. Or maybe you just feel more ready to make small, intentional changes.

You don’t need to reinvent yourself. You just need to tune in to what would make life feel more aligned, supported, or peaceful.

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5 Simple Summer Mental Health Goal Ideas

Here are a few gentle goals that can support your emotional wellness without adding stress:

1. “I will check in with myself once a day.”

This could be journaling, meditation, or simply asking: “What do I need today?”

2. “I will move my body 2–3 times a week in ways I enjoy.”

Dance, stretch, swim, bike focus on joy, not punishment.

3. “I will reduce screen time by 15 minutes a day.”

Use that time to breathe, read, walk, or rest.

4. “I will get outside 3 days a week.”

Even sitting on your porch or under a tree counts. Nature heals.

5. “I will speak to myself more kindly.”

When negative self-talk creeps in, try replacing it with compassion: “I’m doing my best.”

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How to Make Goals Stick Without the Pressure

• Write them down: Post them somewhere visible on your fridge, mirror, or phone lock screen.
• Start small: Focus on one change at a time.
• Celebrate progress: Progress is still progress, even if it’s slow.
• Be flexible: You don’t have to follow through perfectly. You just have to return to your intention.

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A Reset Isn’t a Restart

You don’t need to become a different person this summer. You just need to come home to yourself slowly, gently, one breath at a time.

Use this season to rest where you need rest, grow where you feel stuck, and reconnect with what lights you up. You’re allowed to change without proving anything. You’re allowed to heal without hustling.

Let summer be your invitation to soften.

Why Vacations Don't Always Feel Like a Break: The gap between vacation expectation and vacation reality

 

You planned it for months. You needed it desperately. You finally got there and somewhere in the first day or two, you noticed that you still felt stressed, or anxious, or flat. Or the vacation was fine but you came back more exhausted than when you left. Or the family time that was supposed to restore you produced its own particular kind of depletion.

Vacation disappointment is more common than anyone talks about, and understanding why it happens makes it less confusing and sometimes preventable.

 

The Nervous System Doesn't Immediately Get the Memo

When you've been running a high stress load for weeks or months, the nervous system doesn't automatically downregulate the moment you board a plane. The threat response that's been activated by deadlines, demands, and chronic pressure doesn't have an off switch labeled 'you're on vacation now.' Decompression takes time often several days and many vacations aren't long enough for the nervous system to actually arrive before it's time to go home.

This is why the first two days of vacation often feel worse rather than better. The body is finally allowed to release what it's been holding and the release is not always pleasant.

 

Vacation Doesn't Fix What Travel Can't Reach

A vacation changes your location. It doesn't change your nervous system baseline, your relationship dynamics, the unresolved things you were sitting with before you left, or the inbox waiting for your return. For people whose stress is primarily internal anxiety, depression, unprocessed grief, relational tension a change of scenery provides temporary relief at best and sometimes amplifies the underlying experience by removing the distractions that were managing it.

Vacation is not therapy. It is not a substitute for addressing what's actually driving depletion. It can be genuinely restorative and it works best when it's part of a broader picture of support rather than the only relief valve available.

 

Why Family Vacations Are Their Own Category

Vacations with family particularly young children or extended family involve a different kind of labor than solo or partner travel. The logistical demands, the management of other people's needs and moods, the loss of solitude, the compression of relationships that may already carry tension these are not the absence of stress. They are a different kind of stress. Calling it a vacation doesn't make it one, and it's worth being honest about what you actually need versus what you're labeling as what you need.

 

How to Actually Rest on Vacation

If genuine rest is the goal, it's worth being intentional about building it in rather than hoping it happens by default. That might mean protecting at least one morning of complete unscheduled time. It might mean having an explicit conversation with travel companions about what restoration looks like for each person and not assuming everyone needs the same things. It might mean leaving a day at the end before returning to work so the transition doesn't feel like falling off a cliff.

The question worth asking before any vacation is: what would actually restore me? Not what I feel obligated to do, not what makes a good story, but what my nervous system actually needs. That answer is worth building the trip around.

 

 

A Note on Support

If you consistently come back from vacation more depleted than rested, it may be worth exploring what rest actually looks like for you with a therapist.

Why Summer Doesn't Always Feel the Way It's Supposed To

                       When the pressure to feel good makes things harder

There's a version of summer that lives in social media feeds and greeting card racks golden light, easy laughter, weekends at the lake, friends and family gathered around a fire. It looks effortless. It looks like a season when life gets lighter and people feel more alive.

If that image lands differently for you if summer actually tends to be harder rather than easier, or if you're already bracing for the pressure of performing a version of happiness you don't quite feel this post is for you.

The Myth of the Happy Summer

Summer carries a cultural weight that no season can realistically hold. It's positioned as the payoff the reward at the end of effort, the time when things are supposed to be good. Which means that if you're struggling in summer, there's a layer of confusion and shame on top of the struggle itself. You're not just having a hard time; you're having a hard time when everyone else seems fine.

The reality is that summer intensifies whatever was already present. Financial stress gets worse, not better, when school is out and childcare costs spike. Social anxiety doesn't take a holiday when barbecues and gatherings multiply. Grief doesn't pause for sunshine. And for many people, the disruption of routine that summer brings less structure, more time without the reliable container of work or school is genuinely destabilizing rather than freeing.

 

Seasonal Depression Isn't Only a Winter Thing

Most people are familiar with Seasonal Affective Disorder as a winter phenomenon the depression that arrives with the short days and the cold. Fewer people know that a summer version exists and is clinically recognized.

Summer-onset SAD is characterized by anxiety, agitation, and insomnia rather than the sluggishness and hypersomnia of winter SAD. The mechanism isn't fully understood, but heat and extended daylight hours appear to play a role both in the disruption of circadian rhythms and in the physiological stress that high temperatures produce. If your mood reliably worsens in summer rather than improves, it's worth raising with a mental health provider rather than assuming you're simply failing to appreciate what summer has to offer.

 

What Actually Helps

Giving yourself permission to not perform summer joy is a meaningful starting point. Your experience of a season is valid regardless of what anyone else's Instagram suggests. You are not broken for finding summer hard.

Beyond that: maintaining structure where you can even loose, flexible structure supports mental health better than complete routine dissolution. Protecting sleep is especially important in summer when heat and extended daylight disrupt it. And if you find yourself socially overwhelmed by summer's demand for togetherness, it's okay to be intentional about when and how you engage rather than saying yes to everything and resenting all of it.

 

A Note on Comparison

The gap between how summer is supposed to feel and how it actually feels for many people is largely invisible because people who are struggling tend not to post about it. What you're seeing in feeds and at gatherings is a curated selection of the best moments. It is not an honest account of anyone's inner life, and measuring your insides against other people's outsides is a comparison that will always come up short.

If summer is hard for you, you're in good company. You're just not seeing the others.

 

 

A Note on Support

If you find that summer consistently affects your mental health, it may be worth speaking with a therapist to understand the pattern and build a plan around it.

Radical Acceptance: A Skill for Finding Peace with What Cannot Be Changed

 

Some of life's most profound suffering comes not from painful circumstances themselves, but from our resistance to them — the relentless, exhausting refusal to accept that something difficult is real. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, offers a skill for this: Radical Acceptance. It is one of the most challenging and most liberating skills in the mental health toolkit.

Radical Acceptance means fully acknowledging reality as it is, without fighting it, denying it, or demanding that it be different. It is not approval. It is not giving up. It is not saying that what happened was okay. It is the recognition that painful events are real, that reality cannot be changed by the fact that we wish it were different, and that the suffering caused by resistance to reality often exceeds the suffering caused by the event itself.

Marsha Linehan developed DBT in part from her own experience with extreme emotional suffering and her study of Zen philosophy and acceptance. The fundamental premise is captured in a simple equation: Pain + Non-acceptance = Suffering. Pain is often unavoidable. Suffering — the amplification of pain through resistance, rumination, and rejection of reality — is something we can learn to work with.

What does Radical Acceptance look like in practice? It might be saying to yourself: 'This loss is real. I didn't want it. I wish it were different. And it is what it is.' It involves noticing when your mind is in battle with reality — 'this shouldn't have happened,' 'it's not fair,' 'I can't stand this' — and gently, repeatedly choosing to return to what is actually true.

It's important to note that Radical Acceptance is not a one-time decision. It's a practice, often repeated many times in relation to the same painful thing. It doesn't mean the pain disappears. It means you stop adding the suffering of resistance on top of the pain that already exists.

As spring draws toward its fullness, Radical Acceptance offers an invitation: to meet your life — including its losses, its disappointments, its ongoing uncertainties — with honesty rather than avoidance, and with compassion rather than judgment. That kind of honest presence with yourself is, in many ways, the heart of healing.